It’s a rare school day where I don’t hear or even find myself saying something that makes me laugh. Usually, I don’t write the words down and I quickly forget them, but I have accumulated a list from the few I have recorded.
It probably won’t bring you any hope for tomorrow, but hopefully it will make you laugh.
Things students have said to me (with a straight face):
“I mean, you couldn’t love Cheetos, but you could be in love with them.”
“Now, are we going to have to do any writing in your class?” (I teach English.)
(Smack dab in the middle of a lesson) “Hey, do you mind if I call my mom a minute to give her my lunch order? She said she’d pick something up for me.” (I give the student a look.) “What? How’s she going to know what to bring?”
(Said with genuine pride in the middle of an “interesting” class period) “You have to admit that we’re really funny.” (Trust me, trust me, trust me: they were not.)
Things I’ve heard students say to each other (when they didn’t realize I could hear them):
“Dude, do you ever wash your socks?”
“I totally need to start wearing deodorant. Here, smell.”
(Said calmly by a student to a friend who wasn’t responding to polite requests to cease and desist) “If you do that again, I’m going to drop-kick you in the face.” (It worked; the unresponsive kid suddenly became responsive.)
Things I never thought I’d say to students (but have):
“Get your phone out of my ceiling.”
“Don’t make me take your chicken.”
(One of the more mind-numbing moments of my career) “No, you can’t just go to the bathroom on the floor. There’d be consequences.”