Itâ€™s a rare school day where I donâ€™t hear or even find myself saying something that makes me laugh. Usually, I donâ€™t write the words down and I quickly forget them, but I have accumulated a list from the few I have recorded.
It probably wonâ€™t bring you any hope for tomorrow, but hopefully it will make you laugh.
Things students have said to me (with a straight face):
â€œI mean, you couldnâ€™t love Cheetos, but you could be in love with them.â€
â€œNow, are we going to have to do any writing in your class?â€ (I teach English.)
(Smack dab in the middle of a lesson) â€œHey, do you mind if I call my mom a minute to give her my lunch order? She said sheâ€™d pick something up for me.â€ (I give the student a look.)Â â€œWhat? Howâ€™s she going to know what to bring?â€
(Said with genuine pride in the middle of an â€œinterestingâ€ class period) â€œYou have to admit that weâ€™re really funny.â€ (Trust me, trust me, trust me: they were not.)
Things Iâ€™ve heard students say to each other (when they didnâ€™t realize I could hear them):
â€œDude, do you ever wash your socks?â€
â€œI totally need to start wearing deodorant. Here, smell.â€
(Said calmly by a student to a friend who wasnâ€™t responding to polite requests to cease and desist) â€œIf you do that again, Iâ€™m going to drop-kick you in the face.â€ (It worked; the unresponsive kid suddenly became responsive.)
Things I never thought Iâ€™d say to students (but have):
â€œGet your phone out of my ceiling.â€
â€œDonâ€™t make me take your chicken.â€
(One of the more mind-numbing moments of my career) â€œNo, you canâ€™t just go to the bathroom on the floor. Thereâ€™d be consequences.â€